In Essentialism by Greg McKeown, he outlines tenets of the lifestyle he calls 'Essentialism'. Much of it is geared toward the business world, but 95% of it also applied to me as a stay-at-home-mom.
It really was an engaging read, but if you don't have the time to sit down and read a book, I'll Cliff Notes it for you in a hopefully easily-digestible way.
CHOOSE
If you feel like you have a million different projects going at once, and are being pulled in a thousand different directions, stop and consider what is really important. List your priorities, and choose one or two big items/ideas to pursue.
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| this image from Essentialism illustrates the concept pretty effectively |
Indecision is often as bad as saying yes to everything. If you do not choose your own direction and set boundaries for yourself by design, others will do it for you. Set priorities and know your core purpose, or you may find yourself saddled with nonessential tasks/clutter/responsibilities.
SAHM: Boil everything down to keeping the child alive. What is best for Babs? Don't try to get fancy with dinners, if the floor doesn't get vacuumed this week no one will die. Just have fun and connect with your daughter.
CLARIFY
Once you define a concrete Essential Intent, it allows you to Eliminate the Nonessential. For me part of that was my office job.
Anything that doesn't fit in with your purpose, say no to, or get rid of. Lighten your load so you can get to your goal faster and easier.
This doesn't only mean drains on your time, but physical things as well. For me, a big part was my closet packed full of clothes that just weighed me down. Having physical clutter around you is distracting. Put things away or better yet, just get rid of them.
LIMIT
When faced with a decision - an invitation for a new project or even an invitation to a social outing - don't feel obligated to say yes immediately. Your main obligation is to yourself, not anyone else. Reserve the right to say, "Let me think about it and I'll get back to you."
This gives you time to weigh the cost/benefit of an extra box on your list vs. not doing the thing and having more time either to yourself, or to do other possibly more essential things.
The fear of missing out can factor in here, but ask yourself this, "If I didn't do this thing, would it really impact my level of long-term happiness?" The answer is probably no.
ESCAPE
As a SAHM this is extra important. McKeown writes it more as an escape from work, i.e. putting your phone away and not checking email, since the minute you answer an email on a Saturday, it will be expected of you in the future. Don't encroach on your personal time.
Disconnecting from technology is an excellent idea that I myself am terrible at putting into practice. But when I do, it feels amazing. Leave your phone in a different room. Once the opportunity for constant fleeting entertainment is removed, you find yourself present in the moment, noticing your surroundings and creating your own entertainment, which will probably consist of your spouse or children. Win.
For the SAHM: Make Time for Yourself. When you are able to temporarily leave behind all your responsibilities, you can find the time and space to explore different opportunities, or examine your current responsibilities for possible cutbacks.
For me, it's taking a break from having my brain full of my daughter's needs to examine my own, or to visualize and fully plan the next day/activity so that everything goes smoothly.
Many people (hi! me!) get caught in the trap of work, work, work. Work harder, work more to do better. But taking a break to escape, breathe, relax and play rejuvenates you so you're not just throwing your energy around like a wrecking ball, but can focus it and ultimately do more while working less.
This ties in nicely with our next point:
PROTECT THE ASSET
In the rat race we often rush from one thing to the next, sacrificing sleep and fun and play in effort to prepare for the next big thing or to get ahead.
But if we take a step back and look at the big picture, you must realize you are at the center of it. It doesn't work without you.
So take care of yourself. Protect the asset: you.
Sleep is one of the most crucial factors in being our best selves, both in efficient work and fulfilling personal life. If you're running at 50%, everything you do will suffer. Not to mention you'll probably not have fun doing it.
It's tempting once the baby goes to bed to read for an hour, or watch T.V. or clean, or any number of things it seems there's no time to do with kids running around. But do yourself a favor and make yourself go to bed at a decent time. Future-You will thank you.
UNCOMMIT
"No" is a complete sentence. -Annie Lamott
It took me a long time to learn how to Say No Gracefully. It's still difficult for me to decline anything- what if I disappoint someone? What if I'm missing out? But when you start learning how to say No to opportunities (some of which might even be great opportunities, but might not fit with your Essential Intent), you make room for the truly essential, and that's way more rewarding.
Once I've taken on a project and it starts to drain more time than it's worth, it's hard to let go. You've already sunk this much time into it, it feels like giving up if you scrap it. But admitting you made a mistake is only admitting that you are now wiser than you once were, and there's no shame in that.
Along the same vein, we sometimes find it difficult to abandon a project or habit simply because it is what we have always done. This Status Quo Bias is dangerous and can be cured by applying some Zero-Based Budgeting.
Take a good hard look at the way you do things, and all the habits and commitments in your life, and justify them to yourself. If 'because I've always done it that way' is the only reason you can come up with, perhaps there's a better way of doing it. Or perhaps it's better to eliminate it altogether.
EDIT
Use deliberate subtraction to edit your life. This kind of subtraction actually adds value by increasing your focus on the things that truly matter.
Having a clear overarching intent allows you to check yourself and compare activities and behaviors to real intent. Continually correct course, checking in and making minor edits. Don't wait until it becomes overwhelming and emotions force you to cut something you may regret.
On the other side of the spectrum: Be Selective in your Edits. The best surgeon isn't the one who makes the most incisions. Instead of going all-in and slashing away at your life, wait. Observe. Use restraint. Gather intel, see how things develop, then make an informed decision on whether it should stay or go.
FOCUS
To operate at the highest level of contribution requires deliberately tuning in to what's important in the here and now.
Multitasking is great sometimes, but in my life more often than not, it does more harm than good. I'm only using a fraction of my brain for each task, and each tasks suffers for it.
I imagine it like this: You have a sippy cup in one hand and a basket of laundry in the other. You're on your way to the washing machine when you notice a toy on the ground that needs to be picked up. But you're all out of hands. You need to put something down first. You need to finish one task before moving on to the next. (This is an actual thing that happens to me fairly regularly.)
Even if it means running all over the house five times, I actually find I get more done by focusing on one thing at a time than trying to multitask.
IN CONCLUSION
Boil everything down to the one or two really important objectives/tasks/people in your life.
Take care of yourself. None of it works without you.
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